Match Statistics

Date Team 1 Goals 1 Team 2 Goals 2 Match reports
Wed, 26/02/2020 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
2 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
William Stevenson
4 The atmosphere in the cauldron of dreams that is Westway pitch 4 was electric and the crowd (um do you mean the one chap peeing in the basket ball court or the lady who was on her phone walking to her tennis game?-Ed) was buzzing in anticipation as the Zaire striker Cuddigan H made his hotly anticipated return. And he did not disappoint. His trade mark toe-pokes & mis-timed headers allowed Zaire to open up a 3-0 lead. As usual Zaire then thought the game was wrapped up after 25mins and decided to let Belgium launch wave after wave of attacks which meant they pulled it back to 3-2. Somehow Zaire held on and sneaked a goal on the break. However despite the tension of the final 20 minutes the night belonged to Cuddigan H and his brazil socks and tight shorts!
Wed, 19/02/2020 Belgium
Mark Davies
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
- Zaire
Alexander Hodgson
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
Steve Brooke
- Tonight's game was a Hodgson A All Stars against an Inglis Assorted Bunch of Worthless Regulars. A no show by Brooke S (hugely frustrating) meant that IABW started a player down against a younger team who used the extra man to great effect and soon were two goals up. These goals were more gifts by IABW than HAAS creating great goal-scoring opportunities. Coltart R decided to show his manliness by getting annoyed with one of the smaller players on the pitch and losing his temper which really wan uncool and uncalled for. Apology to said player. Overall though IABW had their work cut out for them and while pegging HAAS back to all square in the middle of the game ran out of steam and succumbed to a late flurry of goals. Some good players on HAAS. Back to business as usual next week minus Brooke S!
Wed, 12/02/2020 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
3 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Michael Davies
Mike Penkethman
Nick Haigh
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
3 Tonight's report focuses on one worthless individual who I believe I wrote a lengthy op-ed piece on last year. Yes the match was a draw, yes the usual drivel that passed as football was played but there was one moment of real class that pretty much shone through tonight and possible shone over the season. It was a small piece of skill quite simple but so deft and subtle that it nearly confused both teams. I am talking about Davies M back heel in the second half on the edge of Belgium's area. Davies M was running at full tilt heading from right to left in front of the Belgium goal and granted while possibly having lost control of the ball and letting it get ahead of him he still persevered and as the ball fell between a number of Belgiums who were all in touching distance of the ball his determination to get stuck into the game meant that he jumped in between the onrushing Belgiums at some danger to himself and selflessly off balance back heeled the ball out of nowhere into an on rushing Zaireian (made the word up again!) who was able to slot the ball home without the keeper or anyone from Belgium moving as they all thought Davies M still had the ball and was heading eastwards possibly towards the next pitch! MOTD would be replaying this touch from every angle if they had been following tonight's game. No need to mention the scorer of such a sweet move but it was me!
Wed, 29/01/2020 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Oliver Gorton
Richard Aseme
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
6 Zaire
Barney Reynolds
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Simon Gillespie
Steve Brooke
11 It was 10-1 at one point midway through the second half. Not even Zaire could throw that lead away! Last quarter of the game Zaire took their foot off as they went for the spectacular rather than the practical. The reason for this thumping rests solely with one phrase and one player.nReynolds B gave a master class in goal-hanging literally camping in the oppos final quarter for most of the game. Belgium forgot this not only once or twice but nine times and were always perplexed and somewhat bemused every time Zaire got the ball in their own half hoofed it forward and an unmarked Reynolds B picked up the ball and scored. Each Belgium player thought one of their teammates were defending when in fact they were not!
Wed, 22/01/2020 Belgium
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Saverio Campione
3 Zaire
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
3 When I scroll through my previous drivel I note that this seasons games pretty much fall into two camps. Either Zaire get spanked like a naughty boy in a dominatrix dungeon or Zaire play the better football, dominate the game and generally should win and end up drawing. Tonight was the latter then I headed off for the former! Belgium could argue their aged team showed grit and determination to hang in and sneak a draw but that would be whatever our PM’s middle name is Puffle Wuffle. Zaire simply bottled it. Coltart R returning from a lengthy lay off & was gloriously ineffective as he just got the ball and ran in circles with it! Anyhow we all wish Krick A a good loan spell in France having been signed by Chamonix AFC in the January transfer window. See some of you tomorrow
Wed, 18/12/2019 Belgium
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
4 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Tristan Gervais
3 So if you don’t turn up wanting to win a game you won’t win even if you are the superior team. This is the general behind the scenes moan of most top tier premiership managers when they get beaten by lower teams like say Tottenham. Zaire had all the gear but no idea tonight as despite playing better football they were a bit laisez faire with their approach and let Belgium sneak the win. Merry Christmas everyone to you and your families and a happy and prosperous 2020 too. Next time you see me fingers crossed I will he married and with a new baby!
Wed, 11/12/2019 Belgium
Gordon Baker
Saverio Campione
- Zaire
Hugo Fuller
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
- First night back on the freshly laid pitch 4 and what was the difference from the old pitch? More black rubber bits in your shoes, longer grass so the ball holds up and a distinct lack of Worthless players. Credit tonight should go to Hodgson A who rustled up 5 players so thereby providing 33% of the players. In a break from this season’s colonial struggles a Hodgson All-Stars in Blue (though they were told black) took on a Worthless Not too shiny-Stars in White in an enjoyable and end to end 8 v 8 game. Tonight’s game enjoyably highlighted the Worthless striking prowess. We struck the post, the fence, the concrete flyover supports & pretty much anything but the goal. This resulted in Blues taking the lead with their first foray into White’s last third. 1-0 at half time and some sensible chat from all the white team (at the same time) resulted in whites pulling together to sneak a win though. Next week I think is the Christmas dinner so let’s see who can make this. Thanks again thou to Hodgson A. Goodnite all
Wed, 27/11/2019 Belgium
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
- Zaire
Alexander Hodgson
Harry Harland
Hugo Fuller
James Walters
Nick Haigh
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
- Where to start this match report?!? Firstly the larger pitch 4 is being resurfaced and so we were moved onto the alleged 6-a-side pitch known as pitch 5. Secondly the match started some ten minutes late due to a pitch invasion of cretinous morons who were convinced they had the pitch booked. We muscled them off by calling the Westway manager Louise! Thirdly Coltart R switched to Belgium as there were more regulars playing for Belgium this evening and so he thought he had balanced the teams by switching and while the score tonight is irrelevant (Belgium won comfortably actually land-slide) a more amazing revelation occurred. I have discovered that over the last 15yrs I have been playing Worthless football you all have been deliberately playing badly to make me believe I was the best player on the pitch!!!! To those regulars who were not playing I bet you are furious with the regulars who were. How have I worked out your ruse? Well tonight’s pitch was a six v six affair on a smaller pitch than usual. If you watch professional top teams train they spend hours and hours playing small pitch ticky-tacky football so when they move onto a bigger pitch they carry the small size pitch in their heads and play that game on the bigger pitch. Imagine my surprise and awe when everyone who usually lumps around on the big pitch shed their act and suddenly were playing quick, simple accurate one two passes and moving like one unit up and down the pitch! I couldn’t get a touch let alone involved as the ball and game shot by me in a blur. Davies M, Gorton O, Campione S & Krick A would have stuffed a Real Madrid 5-a-side team with their breathless give and go’s, playing the way they were facing and deft no look passes! Now that I have realised this remarkable 15yrs ruse to make me feel good midway through the week I am not too sure I can continue to play at least definitely not on Pitch 5! I’ll be back when we move back to Pitch 4 and probably just sit in goal!
Wed, 13/11/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
James Walters
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
5 Zaire
Arthur Campbell
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
5 Zaire will rue the fact they should have won this game and while drawers they must be feeling like losers (so no change for most of the team-Ed). 2-1 down they then raced to a 5-3 which they could not hold onto for some reason. I would also like to propose a debate "this house believes that if you are or feel like you've been fouled pipe up (or not) and everyone simply accepts it gracefully. Everybody else's views should be kept to themselves!"
Wed, 06/11/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Ed Marsh
Gordon Baker
Harry Harland
James Walters
Mark Davies
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
5 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Sameer Godbole
5 Stamford Bridge had nothing on this end to end fiesta of football. Zaire were Belgium as they were coasting 2-1 ahead ten minutes into the game when their talismaniac striker Cuddigan H injured himself in a reflex top left corner save tipping the ball over the bar (really? I don't quite remember the events like that-Ed) and left the pitch thereby leaving Zaire a man short. However they were not to be oppressed and while Belgium equalised and took the lead Zaire to a man keep working across the pitch and kept pegging Belgium back. To be fair stats will show that Zaire had more one on one chances and perhaps like Ajax the evening before might feel slightly aggrieved they did not pinch it. Almost every goal was special too. Several top left and rights, one in off the side post, a nutmeg this game really had it all. TIll next week!
Wed, 30/10/2019 Belgium
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Saverio Campione
Tristan Gervais
4 Zaire
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Michael Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
5 It may have been 4-3 but either way Zaire sneaked it. Winter is coming as on the first chilly night of this season a scrappy game unfolded much like the one happening 220 miles away at Anfield. It was always going to take one player to drag their team to victory and thankfully for Zaire tonight it was Fuller H. At the start of the game the self styled guv'nor of Zaire Aseme R instructed "his" team to play quick simple two or three touch football and pass to the nearest team mate as quickly as possible. One quiet Zaireian (possible made that word up!-Ed) just listened and looked contemptuously at Aseme R. Fuller H was not going to be shackled by such an amateur plan for him it was a night all about one touch and even no touch football. Simple passes were banished as he showed off his long range passing skills from both his left foot and right foot. Granted the pass may have just gone to space but that was not his fault his teammates just lacked vision.....when through on goal with no one around but Gorton O to beat he was too embarrassed to score and so just tapped the ball softly to Gorton O and only once all of Belgium were back behind the ball and he had his back to their goal did he show his true skill as he effortlessly pivoted and while marginally off balance drilled the ball low and true between both sets of players into the bottom left corner. When in goal he knew his team needed to improve and stay alert without him playing outfield so a series of clever distributions to either the teammate surrounded by the largest number of Belgium players or again a simple lob to a Belgium player kept his teammates on their toes and ensured the victory. A shining performance of true player-management without saying a word....effortless by a master!
Wed, 09/10/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Mike Penkethman
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Sameer Godbole
2 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
4 The old adage “team with more Davies wins” as one side had 2 and one 1. Oddly the score was double their numbers (or was it 5 v 3) suggesting the rest of us could have stayed at home in this mirror result (what do you mean?-Ed). Anyhow in a scrappy affair it always takes one person to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and own it. That one man was Cuddigan H and he played for Zaire. Despite Belgium targeting this danger man with fouls and heckles Cuddigan H kept his composure to register two goals and at least one assist Already over taking his stats from last season! What inspired him can only be attributed to his replica £3.97 Brazil socks. Based on this the rest of the team has had a whip around to get him some Brazil replica shorts! Regrettably the £2.83 raised will only get us a child’s pair but even this should bring about some improvement if only aerodynamically. However children should probably not watch the games now just in case......am off for some high-intensity beach training so will leave the honour of scribbling this self-indulgent nonsense to someone else. I liked last week’s report very succinct and minimalist!
Wed, 25/09/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Saverio Campione
3 Zaire
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Simon Gillespie
- Sometimes seeking independence is not a good idea and Zaire demonstrated that with a woeful performance. It was certainly my worst game for a long time. Belgium were just hungrier than Zaire and ran and hustled. Zaire didn’t do themselves any favours. As Belgium broke towards the Zaire goal, Zaire decided a change of keeper was the best idea rather than defending or shutting down the onrushing Belgium player allowing a soft goal to be conceded. Zaire could have been on the pitch all night and still probably not scored even if Belgium had been in the pub! More structure needed from Zaire otherwise going to be a tough season ahead. New kits look good thou fingers crossed they don’t shrink in the wash. Why not buy XLs!
Wed, 18/09/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Saverio Campione
3 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Michael Davies
Rupert Coltart
Simon Gillespie
7 On paper tonight’s teams looked relatively balanced however Belgium chose not to turn up while Zaire smarting from last week’s loss did and in style. All over the pitch Zaire dominated and every player ran, tracked back and played the simple pass. Belgium took the lead which was their only highlight but half time saw them 5-1 down. Roll on independence!
Wed, 11/09/2019 Belgium
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
4 Zaire
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
3 Welcome back to the Worthless match reports. I know they are an integral part to the entire Worthless family's week! I trust everyone had a good summer. This season's teams have a colonial theme of Belgium v Zaire. It was fitting therefore that the first match of the season reflected colonial struggles as Zaire thought they had broken free of the imperial shackles and won the game only to be ruthlessly pegged back by their Belgian overlords and suppressed into a 4-3 defeat. Zaire took the lead with a nifty side foot strike from a rebound off the wall by their reserve player Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim basically he had a three letter name). Belgium equalised through some poor defending. Half time 1-1. Second half a glorious right foot top left curl by Coltart R after some nifty inter-play with Dan (or Ben, Bob, Tim, Alf etc) with the final pass being a nut meg through Baker G's legs. Belgium's second was true imperialism as Warner N struck the ball into the roof of the Westway which then rebounded into Zaire's goal. Belgium then went ahead 3-2 only for Zaire to claw one back through some ricochet football off pretty much every player. Despite having more chances and more of the ball Zaire switched off and Belgium snuck it. Oh well at least the atmosphere in the pub was a fun catch-up with everyone and Gorton O ordered the chicken ciabatta which he last had in 2016. Ironically the dish did look like it had come from 2016 too! Next week is a new chapter see you all then!
Wed, 12/06/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
6 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
3 The season came to an inglorious end for Uruguay. They did themselves no favours by seeming to play more stuck in the mud or dodgeball rather than football. Paraguay were very attack minded from the start and with Warner N and Messers Davies (P&S) along with a roaming Cuddigan H they kept the ball for long spells in the first half in Uruguay’s half. This enabled them to take a 4-0 lead into half time. No sparkling goals that I can recall. Uruguay’s half-time chat lead by Baker G attempted to rally the demoralised troops and soon they had scored 2 goals (both Coltart R with some generous assistance from Gillespie S) and a sniff of getting back into the game appeared. However reports passim show that Uruguay let soft goals in and suddenly forget how to pass and this game was no different allowing Paraguay to score two goals before Hodgson A pulled one back which was too little too late. Reviewing the season though shows a lot of close games which is thanks in part to the team picking skills of the powers in charge and very few one sided results. These reports while perhaps biased and one sided helpful remind me of the fun had during the games. Season 23 will soon be upon us so get your warm weather high altitude training into gear and have a great summer. New teams and strips to be announced within the next 3 months!
Wed, 05/06/2019 Paraguay
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
5 The penultimate match of the season was an 8 v 8 affair. Hodgson A was a little at sea as he found himself playing for Paraguay tonight. His first touch was a deft control and then an equally nice second touch saw his pass thread the Uruguayan defence however none of his team mates had seen the visionary pass so it trickled through to Uruguay's keeper. A Paraguayan player was heard muttering "that's not how we do it on this side". What "it" was can only be speculated....perhaps win?!? Uruguay seemed to always be ahead (somehow) and when Aseme R pulled up hamstrung and forced to leave the pitch it was 4-2 to Uruguay. The last fifteen minutes saw an onslaught from Paraguay as they tried to take advantage of the extra man. They snuck one back to 4-3 and nearly drew level but somehow Uruguay in the last minute counter-attacked and scored. Campione S nearly scored a blinder of a goal. As the ball was passed to him he let it roll through his legs fooling everyone. He turned, caressed the ball with his left foot and then........realised he was in goal that the ball was about to slow mo into his goal and collapsed on the ball just in front of the goaline. Huge relief from Uruguay and probably from Paraguay too that the blunder goal had been averted. He would not have lived that down! Next weeks final match means two things. Who will be Champions of Pitch 7 at the Westway Sports Centre & free grub at the pub after. I know which reason I am playing for......
Wed, 22/05/2019 Paraguay
Ben Donald
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
3 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Tristan Gervais
- Oh well it was bound to happen to Uruguay sooner or later. It was my first time. Not as enjoyable as my other first time! Tonight Uruguay were unable to penetrate Paraguay and therefore succumbed to the indignity of a niller. Opening 20mins was pretty even with both sides having shots on goal. It took a lovely piece of skill and a short solo run by Aseme R to open the scoring with a solid shot. Uruguay tried to respond but whoever was in goal for Paraguay kept it out knowingly or not! While I can’t remember who hit it, Paraguay’s second goal was a moment where the world slowed down. It was a great sliced mis-kick by someone on the right side of the pitch that just began spinning so slowly and trickled past pretty much all the Uruguay’s players who were collectively going Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (that’s enough o’s-Ed) and somehow nestled (slowly) in the bottom left corner of the post. Uruguay sensed that perhaps this was not their night and so switched from instead of winning to just scoring to avoid the niller and they thought they had until Cuddigan H clarified that Worthless rule 7.4 subsection 3 paragraph 6 line 5 clearly states “no player is allowed to shoot at goal inside the opponent’s goal area. A shot within this area become null and void even if it hits the opponent’s goalie and goes in. That does not become an own goal. The only exceptions are headers and possibly volleys but that will be determined by whichever team shouts louder or if Baker G is playing in which case he decides.” Long sentence! Paraguay’s third goal was a simple neat pass around the pitch by which time Uruguay were a little tired to care! I’ve finally made it in life as well as at the pub they gave me a free bowl of french fries thereby turning the pain of a niller into euphoria and an expanding waistline! Half term next week means half the players so 3 v 3 is expected!
Wed, 08/05/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
3 Uruguay
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
3 If someone asked me to sum up tonight’s game in three words I would say dull, boring and static. I would then say I was lying and in fact the game was the total opposite and an end to end classic. Europe this week has witnessed multiple “greatest games ever” but Anfield, Amsterdam, Valencia & west London had nothing on this game. Uruguay perhaps were the stronger on paper and the opening fifteen minutes they were all over Paraguay however they were too concerned with scoring the perfect goal to actually score! It was Paraguay on the break who took the lead and continued to lead every time Uruguay levelled. Cuddigan M making a start after many years of abscence played in goal for the whole match for Paraguay and made several top class saves that we are not used to seeing on the hallowed pitch 7 otherwise Uruguay would have run away with it after they stopped trying to walk the ball in. 7 v 7 meant more space and more end to end action. Why does neither team play a midfielder or two! Anyhow am tired and penalties are about to start at Stamford Bridge so good night all.
Wed, 24/04/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Deven Ghelani
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
3 Tonight’s game was a vocal, occasionally tetchy and heated affair which makes me wonder are we all getting enough sex? Personally I always assumed Cuddigan H had my quota as he’s always so relaxed, content and sprightly on the pitch (but to be clear his quota’s not with my missus least I think it’s not but will confirm next week). Again Calver M pulled out late and a message to him from the powers that be please stop doing this you’ll get someone pregnant! As a result of this withdrawal the game saw 9 Uruguayans line up against 8 Paraguayans. Technically better Paraguay had to work harder to create their chances as Uruguay were able to put bodies in the way. As a result Uruguay were always ahead leaving Paraguay chasing the game. 1-0, 1-1, 2-1, 2-2, 3-2, 3-3 shows I can count to 3. Nothing too fancy for Uruguay’s goals but two real peaches from Aseme R for Paraguay beautiful placed with real power behind them they were lovely to watch. As a result in the pub after there was a quick whip around to buy him some shorts and trainers to replace his non-elastic tracksuit and 1970s Dunlop plimsoles. The only problem is the shorts apparently dissolve on contact with water. And I leave you with my musings on the way home which revolved around Inglis P and whether the most annoying thing he did was accuse me of handling the ball outside the area or kept calling me “Matey”. Patrick I have known you for 22years I am not a flipping kids bath shower gel! Good night
Wed, 10/04/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
6 Uruguay
Hugo Fuller
Jonny Matthews
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Tristan Gervais
3 Walking from the car park to the pitch I heard a group of guys talking about their game. I caught the line “all he does is ponse around up front not passing or scoring and doesn’t get back”. I didn’t know Cuddigan H played a game before ours! Tonight though that phrase could have been applicable to anyone on the Uruguayan team. Huge credit though to Aseme R & Inglis P for drafting in some players to allow the game to happen and be 7 v 7. However that credit is then immediately withdrawn as they were much better than me and that’s not allowed! I can never fathom what is more important than Worthless football. It’s a hallowed affair and to cancel the evening before or day of is poor form when who could forget Davies P turning up and leaving his son needing A&E attention in the car till the match was over (see reports passim & seek verification of said fact) Anyhow tonight’s game saw Gervais T do his best Gervais R impression by turning up late and with no kit! He then managed to cobble together (from rummaging in a bin I suspect) a fetching figure hugging 1960s attire. This aerodynamic attire did not improve his velocity sadly. Both teams played some nifty football but Paraguay had the slightly better & fitter players and this showed as Uruguay we’re only one down at half time having had perhaps the better chances (see reports passim!) but we’re not clinical enough and slipped to a 3 goal defeat. Analysis of Uruguay’s positions when they shot will show that, like Theresa May’s Brexit policy, if at first you don’t succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try (I could go on but you get my drift) again! (With thanks to Private Eye). Am away next week so someone else will have to take up this cherished mantle (or simply be bothered!). Davies M wanted everyone to know he’s not around either as he’s in the Maldives! And it’s good night from me and good night from Davies M
Wed, 03/04/2019 Paraguay
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Haigh
Paddy Inglis
Simon Gillespie
1 Uruguay
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Zac Arbib
2 For centuries managers have often moaned about the ref being the +1 player on the opposition team. In theory that would have meant 7 v 8 last night but thankfully Baker G was playing for Uruguay anyway so it was still 7 v 7. If he had his ref’s kit with him I am pretty sure he would have sent some of Paraguay off and maybe the odd Uruguayan for incompetence (or incontinence). Either way I think it is worth noting that I have never seen anyone deliberately trying to hurt or foul anyone in a Worthless game (apart from tackles/fouls on me where it is clearly deliberate as I am sooo good!) and everyone should and does play the game in a competitive and fun atmosphere. Only I can have a strop or moan! Anyhow to tonight’s game which saw the majority of protagonists from last week’s 17 goal bonanza rock up and play a cagey, cautious & technically high tempo game. Uruguay had possession and couldn’t score and Paraguay enjoyed being on the pitch in a very defensive format. A goal in each half for Uruguay meant they were cruising to victory and a niller for Paraguay looked almost a certainty until 8.02pm when Krick A hit a sweet strike into the top left corner (or perhaps mis-hit a pass) and saved Paraguay’s blushes. A la semaine prochaine!
Wed, 27/03/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Martin Calver
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
10 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
7 Uruguay were like diarrhoea tonight. A glorious noisy explosion at the beginning that turned into watery drivel at the end. Racing into a 6-0 lead within 15mins Blues could do no wrong but boy did they did they do wrong in the remaining 45mins (probably actually 35mins as we start 10mins late discussing each other’s new haircuts and boots) Like a slow releasing enema they pooped the bed at the end! Was it fitness, was it complacency, was it allowing Warner to score the exact same over the top on the break goal 6 times, was it a lack of leadership or did Paraguay simply rope-a-dope Uruguay, we will never know. The Davieses theory has been proven to be twaddle as Uruguay had two to Paraguay’s one and couldn’t hold onto a win. For the neutral this would have been a terrible game to watch however there were 17 goals scored. Half-time was 6-4 to Uruguay then Full-time 10-7 to Uruguay. Uruguay left the pitch bewildered and humbled! Will they regroup for next week or hang out wide on the pitch allowing Paraguay to wander down the middle........we shall see!
Wed, 20/03/2019 Paraguay
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Shaun Lascelles
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
2 Uruguay
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
John Romeo
Mayamiko Kachingwe
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
2 The theory of Davieses was temporarily halted tonight as Paraguay had 2 and Uruguay none and yet the result was a draw which flattered Paraguay who should have lost but Uruguay were unable to hold onto the lead. The theory of 8 v 8 proved true again as the game was enjoyable and people didnt have too much time to faff around with the ball. As I am writing this a week late I dont remember the goals but I am sure they were of the highest quality!
Wed, 13/03/2019 Paraguay
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
3 Uruguay
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
2 Many exciting (debatable) issues arose from last night's game. Firstly 8 v 8 is the way to go as it was a really enjoyable game of football. Everyone was involved and in my head I did my own Opta stats and across the pitch people all touched the ball and were up and down the pitch. Secondly a record needs to be kept as the winning team seems to be the team with the most Davieseses on their side! Tonight Paraguay had 2 Uruguay 1 & Paraguay won! Presumably it would be a draw if each side had two! Thirdly if the teams are evenly matched ipso facto (not showing off but I know Latin ergo I dont know how to use it) so is the game. This is very tricky to do and perhaps my Worthless Top Trumps (see reports passim) should be deployed in aiding team picking! Anyhow short round up of the game as I am off to bed. The round up is Paraguay won by a goal. My Opta stats show Paraguay had 3 or 4 shots on goal and Uruguay's strikers Manoukian V and Hodgson A had 34 shots on goal (or near goal). They tried headers, volleys, toe-pokes & back flicks but some inspired keeping (one cat like reactionary save by Davies S in particular) and wayward placing of their shots meant Uruguay could not win as comfortably as they should. Quad Erat Demonstrandum et nox noctis.