Match Statistics

Date Team 1 Goals 1 Team 2 Goals 2 Match reports
Wed, 07/02/2018 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Michael Davies
Oliver Gorton
Richard Aseme
4 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
John Park
John Romeo
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
William Stevenson
1 Rumours had been circulating for weeks that a true worthless legend was making a cameo appearance for Blues. Once it had been established it wasnt Reynolds B (a legend?!?-Ed) the mystic and magic of this player swirled into such a tornado that Warner N & Baker G were suddenly unavailable for Whites fearing a spanking from Blues and the legend that is Park J. Cometh the hour cometh the man as Park J maintained his mystic and magic by either playing in his cloak of invisibility or not turning up! Blues were therefore one man down (or were they?-Ed) and as we all know you dont win matches that way however the scoreline flattered Whites as Blues played some wonderful and better football for most of the game pegging Whites back and holding the scoreline to 2-1 until the last few moments when their legs gave out. As usual it is always easier to remember ones goals rather than won goals gettit? (No you're fired get that-Ed) and so I would like for the next eleven pages briefly touch on Blues goal which was scored by Cruyff R (surely Coltart R or at best Cruffts R) who fooled White's defence with an exquisite turn before drilling the shot through the keeper's legs. Stevenson W commented it was on my weaker foot but all I can say to that is its still stronger than his better foot (touche!). And I leave you with a new defensive motto of Inglis P which was "do as I say not as I do" when marshalling Stevenson W and myself while marking a beautiful patch of turf!
Wed, 31/01/2018 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Oliver Gorton
Robin Haller
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
6 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Nick Haigh
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Aseme
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
1 Veni, vidi, vici said Julius Caesar and so did whites last night as they romped home to a 6-1 win. Jimmy Greaves said "its a funny old game" and that it was as on paper these were two relatively evenly matched teams. Granted whites had the extra player but on a pitch designed for 14 or 16 having 17 should have meant space and opportunities would be limited. There were several opportunities for Blues to get into the game early on when at 2-0 down Coltart R was on the edge of the area with the ball and only the keeper to beat and decided to drill the ball at the keeper's nuts rather than score. This seemed to be a pattern for Blue who thumped the woodwork multiple times when only 2 down but couldn't score. Whites had no such problems as every attack seemed to result in the blues net bulging. Dont know what was said in the pub as I didnt go this week but I guess everyone talked about how good I was! Porcos Fugere!
Wed, 10/01/2018 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Charlie Morgan
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Richard Aseme
Steve Davies
7 Sampdoria
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Michael Davies
Pete Davies
Robin Haller
Rupert Coltart
5 Blues talismanic striker summed up the game with the statement "we played sh*t" Whether he was using the royal "we" no one knows but the sentiment for blues play was on balance probably correct. Oh and Whites had Martin too. He thumped in several goals from various ranges every time blues got close to levelling the score. Blues are confident though of winning more matches in the new year with returning midfield enforcer Romeo J from injury (surely work secondment?!?). Excitement mounted after the game as we wandered to the pub anticipating a new 2018 menu to tuck into. True to form the Balkan mafia did not let us down as the menu consisted of several differences from 2017; different font and higher prices! There surely must be a price ceiling one is willing to pay for a chicken ciabatta! Sadly sickness is preventing the author from playing this week so match report duties will have to be picked up by someone else. If blues win perhaps they may have found the issue.........
Wed, 03/01/2018 Genoa
Andy Krick
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
7 Sampdoria
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
Martin Calver
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Rupert Coltart
7 First game of 2018 & a real test for both teams as 5 Whites took on 6 Blues. Fitness was going to be crucial and both teams clearly showed they had been keeping busy (eating) over the Christmas break. Goals generally came by one team going on an all out attack and forgetting to leave any defenders which resulted in many one on ones! Warner & Baker did their best impressions of Allardyce & Pardew in man managing the other (worth noting Allardyce and Pardew's win %s are roughly 35%) no idea about the pub attendance as didn't go but will judge by the number of chicken ciabattas in the bin thrown out uneaten when driving by tomorrow. Well played everyone and a fun start to the year's games. Great to see Mark Davies back before he jets off to watch England win the Ashes tomorrow. Perhaps we'll also get a full complement starting on time next week too!
Wed, 13/12/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Barney Reynolds
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
2 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Ben Donald
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
8 Looking back at previous reports this season tonight's teams were very similar to other Wednesday nights and so at the start on paper it should have been anyone's guess. However Reynolds B was late for whites & blues took advantage of this by scoring two goals. They never really looked back from there. With an organised formation everything they tried worked while Whites had one of those nights where nothing worked. Not wishing to blow one's trumpet (bet none of you knew I was musical!) the goal of the game as voted by everyone (umm I think you put an "every" in there by accident-Ed) was a sublime 40yrds lob by Coltart R who saw Baker G off his line and struck a sweet left foot strike very Rooney W esque! Anyhow as usual whites and blues came together in the pub after for the traditional Christmas meal. I'm always amazed the restaurant has so many steaks for a Wednesday night! Worth noting Coltart R always gets carried away and has three courses and all the Coke (beverage) he can consume! Might as well get my dues worth right! A Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy and Healthy 2018 to you and your families.
Wed, 06/12/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Steve Brooke
Tristan Gervais
3 Sampdoria
Charlie Morgan
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Martin Calver
Richard Aseme
Robin Haller
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
7 As a blue player I must take my hat off to whites who with one man down for the duration bravely matched blues for 60% of the game. At half time the score was 2-2 and at one point 3-4 until blues cut loose and whites tired. Blues basically scored by allowing whites to charge forward and then in several sweeping moves catch them on the break and slot home. Whites goals were a combination of worthless goalkeeping and the usual blues of blues defense! Robin "The Enforcer" Haller dialled back the years to his school days, when any opposition player wanting to operate on his patch needed a chit, with some crunching tackles and strong headers. In the pub after it was announced that next week would be the last worthless week before taking the usual (and sensible) European Christmas break. That means free tuck (8 steaks already pre-ordered by those at the pub) after. There was also a debate of would whites have won with a full complement-it is always a tough one to call however one of the protagonists in the shortfall apparently had a sore buttock! I sign off aptly with the words of G Baker on hearing of said sore buttock-"Roger That"
Wed, 29/11/2017 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
6 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
4 Not much to say here other than Coltart R turned up 10mins late to find his team 2-0 down. Despite some heroics and being 4-4 at one point blues succumb to a loss by......you guessed it 2 goals. Starting with a full team helps!
Wed, 22/11/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
- Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
John Romeo
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Robin Haller
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
- While no idea of the score as I was not around or who played I think it should be noted on this illustrious website the best wishes of all past & present Worthless players to Davies M. We hope he has a speedy and healthy recovery and look forward to seeing him back on the hallowed turf soon patrolling up and down one side of the pitch only dressed as if he's going skiing straight after!
Wed, 08/11/2017 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Oliver Gorton
Robin Haller
5 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Richard Clode
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
3 Blues this week suffered the usual Worthless curse of being ahead and dominating the game upto half time to then succumb to a rambunctious white team in the second half. One white player who wished to remain anonymous (make sure Hodgson A's name is not mentioned-Ed) said the senior white player offered his team mates £20 (there was some confusion if collective or individual) to turn the game around during the half time chat. Perhaps it is time Worthless goes professional! Highlights include Krick A in the opening 30 seconds through on goal for the first time in 7 years. As he was debating whether to go with his Shearer, Robbie Keane or Phil Neville celebration he wound up to smash the ball. Unfortunately Coltart R nipped the ball away from him just as Krick A let loose connecting superbly with Coltart R's shin & calf. Coltart R then was incapacitated for most of the game hobbling around being ineffective (sounds like business as usual: was he injured? - Ed). Another injury worry for blues saw their talismanic (fake news-Ed) striker get whacked while in goal. Whites do not mess around. See you all next week.
Wed, 01/11/2017 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Deven Ghelani
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Martin Calver
Oliver Gorton
3 Sampdoria
Ben Donald
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
3 it was a draw. Review over.
Wed, 25/10/2017 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Chris Conder
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Samer Iliya
6 Sampdoria
Amr Abulaban
Ben Donald
Deven Ghelani
Hugo Fuller
Richard Clode
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
3 After the Monday night success of the FIFA awards (the Peppermint Hippo ones not London Palladium) most of the Worthless Regular Squads were given the week off allowing them to relax and focus on the frantic fixture run in to Christmas as well as tend their allotments, dig out their cardies & check their winter fuel allowances. This allowed for the second time this season for both sides to field their Caraboooooo Cup teams. Both sides were packed with quality and unquality and a high skilled game ensued with Whites sneaking it at half time 2-1 despite Blues literally having a million shots on goal. Second half and same story as while Whites pulled away to a 6-3 win with only six or seven shots on goal Blues took fluffing in front of goal to a whole new level. Strange times when you wonder were Cuddigan H is........overall though despite being on losing team a fun match to be involved in! Cuddigan H where are you? (To the tune of Scooby Doo-Ed) See you all next week. RC
Wed, 18/10/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
Tristan Gervais
6 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Amr Abulaban
Hugo Cuddigan
Paddy Inglis
Robin Haller
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
William Stevenson
6 12 goals scored but Coltart R wouldn't know about the first as he did a Krick A (turned up late) thinking he'd balance the sides for a bit. Krafty Krick though turned up on time! Blues keep trying to pull away but Whites keep hanging on. Some well worked goals by both sides. Blues perhaps with the more flair players ended up like Coltart R's 5 month old daughter; lots of dribbling everywhere, but going nowhere fast resulting in a few moans and tears and a little toothless. Whites realising they didn't have the flair played simple ticky tacky football that Klopp J would have been proud of. Coltart R was asked by one idiot "who kicked off first?" to start the 2nd half off but received a stern response from Cuddigan H "why are you asking him he wasn't here". Coltart R was late for those who did not know! Overall a fair result, good football & a strong attendance in the pub! Isn't that what Worthless is all about...
Wed, 11/10/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Ben Donald
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
1 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Robin Garton
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
6 Second wins for Blues as Whites had a bout of the blues this week (get it?-Ed) as they succumbed to an all firing blue side that could have scored many more but for the foliage/leaves (Hugo C can explain) on the pitch. 3-0 at half time Blues contemplated the possibility of a niler but Inglis P thought that was rubbing salt into a one sided game so ably shepherded Donald B past his team mates so that whites could get onto the scoreboard. Baker G was his usual guiding light and encouraged one of his teammates with the calm enquiry of "why the f**k did you pass to me when I was surrounded by three players and the goal is that (indicating) way?" Towards the end Blues started to try and score via headers- it's harder than it looks in the premiership! Debate needs to be had on the pass back rule could liven up the games more and as per the first request everyone needs to turn up on time. If either side are one player down in the first ten and the other sneaks a goal or two its a tough comeback.
Wed, 04/10/2017 Genoa
Alexander Hodgson
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
Tristan Gervais
5 Sampdoria
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
7 Blues off the mark with their first win of the season. Special thanks to Alex for bringing his mate Martin along to play for Blues. Martin could play football and helped Blues open up a 4-2 lead at half time (along with 6-0 assist). The usual Worthless half time talk for Blues ensued with phrases such as "we've got this, keep doing the basics, repeat what we just did, pack the middle" you get the gist! Seven minutes into the second half 5-4 Whites! Blues claw it back to 5-5 then sneak ahead just as Gillespie S is leaving so thankfully with the extra man run out the clock and sneak another. You can only play whose in front of you so the fact whites were playing with one fewer player for the first and last ten minutes is life. RC
Wed, 27/09/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Chris Conder
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Michael Sakkas
Oliver Gorton
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
6 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Tristan Gervais
3 The old adage "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is scorned by blues as they continue to come up with inventive ways to assist whites in scoring, be it an own goal, deft pass or the usual last man loses the ball. Whites field their Carabao cup team resting some of their more injury prone players and bringing in their reserve team youngsters messrs Stevenson W & Condor C. These two run the midfield for most of the game ably assisted by the rest of whites (and blues). Blues can console themselves though as while whites did score a beautiful end to end goal all three of blues goals were wonder strikes including Seve's special in the second half in the goal furthest away from the door. True he had scored a wonder goal in the same goal in the first half and thereby effectively cancelled himself out! In the pub after it was noted by all how blues striker had tirelessly run end to end and had towered above his team mates who quite frankly lacked his cognitive and eagle eyed game awareness! There was also a new rule proposal to be debated that once the keeper has passed the ball out you cannot pass back to him. Roll on next week... RC
Wed, 20/09/2017 Genoa
Andy Krick
Deven Ghelani
Gordon Baker
James Arbib
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Robin Haller
Simon Gillespie
7 Sampdoria
Barney Reynolds
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
2 Blues had a quick chat before tonight's game and decided they were the stronger team and whites needed some assistance so a couple of own goals and a few pinpoint passes to whites allowed whites to open up a 4-1 lead that was too much for blues to overcome so blues continued to help whites to a 7-2 win. Coltart R demonstrated to everyone how a striker should nip the ball off the last defender's foot and smoothly slot home from 5 yards. It should be noted that Devlin assisted Coltart R in this demonstration by playing the role of striker! Jokes aside tough to remember much of the game as it seemed to be constant one way traffic by whites and blues! Good goal by Arbib J though and a sweeping end to end goal by whites that might have involved every player including blues! Post match analysis at pub by the blues discussed how to fix their shambolic performance. Next week watch out whites... RC
Wed, 13/09/2017 Genoa
Amr Abulaban
Andy Krick
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Richard Clode
Simon Gillespie
4 Sampdoria
Alexander Hodgson
Hugo Cuddigan
Hugo Fuller
Michael Davies
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Davies
2 New season, new kits and new teams sounds like the same old start of a Worthless season but the powers that be had issued one new exciting edict which sounded quite simple: "turn up on time". Sadly Coltart R missed this memo (along with everything else on the pitch) and topped his evening with a botched quesadilla order at the pub after. Goal, tackle and pass eluded the sprightly 39yrs old, however, thinking he had a valid excuse, was then outdone and outshone by Davies P who turned up later and with a better excuse! We all wish Davies P Jnr a speedy recovery as unconfirmed reports abound that he was spotted in the car broken arm aloft in the car park after the game due to a mysterious diversion by Davies P en route to A&E! Anyhow, if the game itself is a template for the season ahead, we are in for a humdinger of a season. Two evenly matched teams battled it out for 60 mins (45mins for Coltart R) and in the end two sloppy mistakes by blues gave whites a 4-2 victory. The similarities too between the strikers was unmissable. White's striker - Clode R - goal hung, had pace, two good feet and an eye for goal as we think he scored all whites goals! Blues striker had one out of four of those attributes listed above but promised to work on the other three (same old season ahead then - Ed). For those eagle-eyed Worthless match report readers you will notice that Gillespie S always gets mentioned in dispatches at the start of a season which shows he takes pre-season seriously! He was MOTM as, until he departed for the 9.05pm train back to Penzance, the score was 4-0 and he was everywhere. Blues now eagerly await Baker's arrival to disrupt and wreak havoc for Whites (isn't he playing for whites?!? Ed.) Anyhow with the new prospect of playing for an extra 10mins each week and starting at 8pm the question must be asked will this improve all of our stamina as we play for an hour or simply mean we now arrive at the pub at 8.50pm instead to avoid the 9pm rush? Only time will tell.....but I am excited to find out, so bring it on. RC
Wed, 22/02/2017 France
Alexander Hodgson
Alex Stevenson
Ethan Kline
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Nick Warner
Steve Brooke
4 Portugal
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Hugo Fuller
Paddy Inglis
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Simon Gillespie
William Stevenson
6 The complex team management system nearly caught out Olly who could not understand how he found himself down to play. Luckily N. Warner explained how the system worked in a calm and measured tone. Team talks similar for both sides: keep it tight, press early, and let Hugo score at least a hat-trick as it is his birthday. On the pitch reds ran the early parts of the game as Alex S turned up late due to continuing tube issues. After his arrival reds really took over and much of the first and second half was played with 13 players in the blues' half. Steve B, Alex H and Hugo C all looking to play on the break but never seeming to. Hugo F brings his shooting boots and is only denied his hat-trick by a brave, eyes closed, save by Warner. Gillespie scores with a clever flick with the outside of his left calf. Hugo C holds himself scoreless despite service into his feet early and often throughout the match. Decent turn out in the pub.
Wed, 15/02/2017 France
Alex Stevenson
Hugo Cuddigan
James Arbib
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Zac Arbib
1 Portugal
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Gordon Baker
Michael Davies
Richard Clode
Simon Gillespie
4 Debutante Zac Arbib - first of the second generation of worthless originals - scores the only blue goal in an otherwise dismal blue performance. Clode, another relative newcomer, shows some touches of class for Portugal but is surely not the Ronaldo France made him look to be. The return of Zorro witnessed his usual game on the wing before before slotting in the red goal on Gillespie's departure for Marlborough country.
Wed, 08/02/2017 France
Alexander Hodgson
Alex Stevenson
Chris Conder
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Michael Davies
Samer Iliya
Saverio Campione
3 Portugal
Amr Abulaban
Andy Krick
Charlie Morgan
Harry Draper
Hugo Fuller
Nick Haigh
Paddy Inglis
Steve Brooke
6 "Terrible first half, good second half. 4-0 at HT. then 4-3. Finished 5-3 although they claimed a 6th that was inside the area. I scored one and hit the bar with what would have been a beauty so was quite happy with my evening!: "4 nil down at half time pulled it back to 4-3 , should have equalised but ended up losing 6- 3." "We got waxed. 4-zip at half time. Ended 5 or 6 - 3." V good, reds bossed midfield and stormed to 4-0 lead, then 4-3, 6-3 to reds I think. Times CM lost ball = 3. Missed our captain though."
Wed, 23/09/2015 USA
Gordon Baker
Hugo Cuddigan
Nicolas de Santis
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
Pete Davies
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
- Japan
Alexis Pu
Ben Donald
Hugo Fuller
Mark Davies
Nick Warner
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Yasheen Rajan
3 Hugo thought he got away with a late consolation, but he didn't because he was inside the box and you are not allowed to shoot thence.
Wed, 11/03/2015 Argentina
Alexis de Rosnay
Hugo Fuller
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Paddy Inglis
8 Germany
Hugo Cuddigan
Pete Davies
Will Sheldon
6 Late additions in the guise of Nicolas de Santis and Rupert Hoffen mean that we hobble together an energetic 5 a side game. "All these new subs we have, they all seem to be in private equity". "Well they certainly appear to be used to other people doing the work for them! " Ethan, if you're reading this, we miss you. Baker, the opposite goes for you.
Wed, 25/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Gordon Baker
Hugo Fuller
Nick Warner
Oliver Gorton
Saverio Campione
4 Germany
Andy Krick
Mark Davies
Rupert Coltart
Steve Brooke
Steve Davies
Yasheen Rajan
7 Jiacopo's theory that "yash is essential" amazingly holds true for a second successive week...This time yash's absence making all the difference to an otherwise well organised 6v6 match. Baker yet to understand the importance of a simple 10 yard pass; Alex Stevenson wearing kit that enabled him to seamlessly change sides at half time without anyone really noticing the difference.
Wed, 18/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Ed Lascelles
Gordon Baker
Jacopo Forloni
Nick Warner
Paddy Inglis
Steve Brooke
Yasheen Rajan
6 Germany
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Mark Davies
Nick van den Arend
Robin Garton
Simon Gillespie
Steve Davies
William Stevenson
10 Match summary courtesy this week of relative newbie jacopo: after Argentina cruises into a one nil lead, with 'legs' Inglis at the back claiming he had literally nothing to do, Hugo axes yash who turns his ankle and is forced off with injury. Suddenly the tide changes, with Germany scoring 4 without response, "which proves my point that yash is essential". Argentines become a bit more respectable after the break, but not enough to claw back the deficit despite enlisting the services of all knowledgeable baker in goal. Baker in the pub quizzed on why he insists on coaching players from both teams: " I just think I read the game so much better than everyone else ".
Wed, 11/02/2015 Argentina
Alex Stevenson
Andy Moretti
David Esfandi
Hugo Fuller
John Romeo
Nick Warner
Steve Brooke
William Stevenson
2 Germany
Andy Krick
Hugo Cuddigan
Jacopo Forloni
Mark Davies
Pete Davies
Rupert Coltart
Saverio Campione
Steve Davies
3 Not much to report except that it was noted in the pub afterwards how peaceful, polite and gentlemanly games without Gordon were...